


#5: Pillow

by RocioWrites



Series: 20 words [5]
Category: Criminal Minds
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-06-10
Updated: 2014-06-10
Packaged: 2018-02-04 02:32:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,001
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1763015
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RocioWrites/pseuds/RocioWrites
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>And now all he has left is a pillow and a bunch of unorganized memories telling him he has always loved him.</p>
            </blockquote>





	#5: Pillow

**Author's Note:**

> Set somewhere at the end of s08 I guess.

He clutches the pillow tight to his chest. It’s silly but he buries his face in it anyway, inhaling deeply, praying for  _his_  smell to still be impregnated there.

 

_"I know the last time you lost someone you love you went to JJ’s house. I’m offering my house this time." Hotch says, serious and matter-of-factly. His eyes are smiling and showing such compassion that Reid just nods._

_"Thank you." It’s shaky but enough for Hotch to know his message got through._

_"Ok." And he leaves, patting his subordinate’s shoulder affectionately._

 

He’s paralyzed by the fear and loneliness. The empty room makes it seem like he’s stuck in a loveless world. The unique smell of his lover is filling his lungs and makes it a bit more bearable.  _Ex-lover_  a tiny voice in his head supplies.

"Ex-lover." He repeats out loud, voice muffled by the pillow he refuses to put down.

 

_The first time Reid takes on his offer, he calls timidly and asks if he can show up at his place. Hotch does his best to reassure him and tries his best to explain to Jack about Reid’s lost so the boy has to behave and be nice, because ‘Pence is sad and needs friends to cheer him up._

_To his surprise, Jack takes it a bit too seriously - just like his dad - and helps Reid to sit ‘comfy’ on the couch while Jack chooses happy movies._

_"Dad cooks the yummier popcorns you’ve ever tasted!" He claims so certain, leaving Hotch no other option than to run to buy some popcorns and ‘cook’ them._

_And it’s a success, Reid spends the night smiling softly._

 

It’s funny how he got attached since day one. They've worked together for so long, they were good friends. They’ve learnt so much from each other. And now all he has left is a pillow and a bunch of unorganized memories telling him he has always loved him.

He feels like crying so he closes his eyes tightly and sits on the bed. This wasn’t what he was hoping for with a relationship. Now he thinks it all felt too easy, too right to be actually truth.

 

_"I never got the chance to tell her that I love her." Reid whispers so low that Hotch thinks he’s in fact making the words up. "I wanted so bad to tell her that." And this time his voice is a bit louder, but broken._

_"I’m sure she knew."_ _Hotch watches how Reid fixes his coffee with trembling hands. The buzzing of people coming and going outside of the kitchenette can be heard and they ignore it, this is a moment they’re having all to themselves._ _"She knew. And she loved you back."_

_Somehow, Reid knows, just like Hotch, that last line was meant for them both. Maeve and Haley loved them._

 

The silence is killing him. The room feels so empty it’s making him sick. The first sob escapes his lips and it’s too late, he’s crying like a child. He can hear himself making pitiful little noises.

 

_Hotch finds himself knocking on Reid’s door with nervous patience. Reid opens the door and offers a smile, amused and astonished._

_"Hey, I thought maybe we could make another movie night?" Hotch asks and lifts the few DVDs he’s holding. He tries to look casual but he knows he’s failing._

_"Sure." Reid replies. However, he doesn’t move aside to let him in. The question hangs unsaid._

_"I know I said I was going to visit Beth but…"_

_Reid nods, looking right into his eyes. And it’s funny how Hotch was the one supposed to comfort Reid and now they’re having this awkward role-reversal._

_"Come in."_

_"…but things are not okay right now." he finishes._

_"Come in."_

 

He finally takes a clean breath, away from the pillow, trying to calm down his breathing now that the cryings have slowed down. When did he become so needy he doesn’t know. He’s not sure he’s needy at all, but he needs _him_. And now that’s impossible and damn it hurts.

The white pillow is wet from his tears and he hates this feeling, like he’s a child all over again and can’t control his emotions. It all hurts.

 

_The first kiss comes without a warning, it’s timid and slow and he can place the exact moment when they both are completely aware about the kiss happening. They are okay with it. Hell, they’re more than okay with it._

_Hotch breathes out as soon as they pull apart. Reid doesn’t give him much of a chance to say a word though, he’s kissing him again, hard, more desperate. And Hotch can feel every fear, every passion, every pain Reid has and it’s tearing him apart to the point where he can only grab Reid’s face and kiss him back with as much intensity as possible._

 

He falls on the bed, tired, a throbbing headache blurring his vision. It’s funny how every relationship he builds fall apart, it crashes so bad.

And there it is again that sharp sensation in his chest, that shallow breath that’s precluding to more crying. Really? He feels so pathetic, he’s a grown man goddammit!

 

_Hotch loves the way Reid smiles contently and satisfied, the way they both fall asleep easily after a nice round of sex. Loves how they fit together so well and nice and there are times when they can pretend there’s nothing wrong with the world, with them._

 

He starts smiling, empty and broken. He feels new tears running down his cheeks because  _fuck_ , he’s always loved him. So much. So fully. Without even noticing it.

He’s had a wife, he lost her - twice. He’s had lovers and a girlfriend after that. And still, there’s only Spencer. How? When? He’s not sure. But now this is it, this is life. Alone, missing a lover who was never truly his.

 

_Reid is silent and Hotch knows what’s next._

_"I can’t do this anymore, Hotch… Aaron… I just can’t."_


End file.
